Alone

Bismilahhirrahmannirrahim,
6.50 ptg, usai makan malam.

Sunyi rasa hati dalam keriuhan ramai
Aku mencari wajah wajah yang aku kenali buat melepas lelah yang dirasai
Tapi kosong, tiada siapa lagi yang aku boleh percaya
Tiada siapa lagi yang aku selesa dengannya

Hati rasa sunyi
Akal kata benci "aku tak suka keseorangan begini!"
Tapi ilahi sedang rangka sesuatu yang aku tidak pasti
Aku dibiar sendiri mengira detik detik yang berlalu pergi

Aku tak pasti jika ini satu hukuman atas khilafku
Atau satu ujian buat persediaan hari hariku
Atau boleh jadi juga percaturan yang maha esa
Yang mahu  bergantungnya aku hanya pada dia

Aku rasa kosong, aku rasa seorang diri
Acap kali juga rasa diri ini dibenci
Entah atas sebab apa aku tidak tahu
Atau cuma aku yang membina tembok dikelilingku?

Sudah banyak aku lalui tahun kebelakangan ini
Sudah banyak keji maki yang aku dengari
Sudah banyak hasad dengki aku lalui
Kini aku lelah dan penat menyendiri

Ya Allah hadirkan seorang teman buat penyeri hari
Ya Allah hadirkan seorang teman buat penyejuk hati
Ya Allah hadirkan seorang teman yg akan bersamaku sampai mati.

Tentang dia

Untuk dia,
yang setiap memori tersimpan rapi
yang setiap gerak geri aku ingati
yang aku simpan rapi dalam kalbu
biar lidah meronta ingin beritahu
beritahu pada dunia
betapa istimewanya kamu
sekurang-kurangnya buat aku

Untuk dia,
yang aku hanya mampu tersenyum
acap puji dan puja singgah di telinga
kerna aku cukup tahu
yang kamu lebih dari itu

Untuk dia,
yang kini hanya aku mampu tatap
lewat sebuah skrin kaku
mulut membisu, pandang tak endah
tetapi ekor mataku tidak dapat menipu

Untuk dia,
yang kini jauh
kadang teringat, kadang rindu
rindu pada sebuah memori indah
kita dahulu

12:59 pagi, 9 Julai 2014

My angels, my beautiful angels.

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim,

Dear my two angels, the one that I know will read this post soon, I never dedicate any post to you but here it is. I achingly missing both of you.

I have thing to confess, I could never handle separation in a good way. I only know one way and that way ain't pretty. I did cried a lot recently, I could never imagine living without one of my angels. I think I already grown attached to both of you and the thought that Ross will leave us two here stab my heat painstakingly. I know you will leave us here for a good reason and I am so proud of your choice. A proud friend I am, my dear Rossie Ross will further her study in finance :) I lost my word in my tears.

Nadiah, I know you are in such a trouble time now I wish I could hug you and tell you everything gonna be okay. Nadiah, my strong-willed woman, I pray the best for you. Its the little hardship that comes before ease. Everything will be good after this right :)

Do you two remember how the first time we bonded? Ah, silly me, we always talked about it. Now, I'm grateful and I'm glad Nadiah did call me to sit with both of you during our trip to Bukit Tinggi for our induction camp. I'm glad both of you want me in your circle, I'm glad both of you accept me the way I am. It is the blessed that Allah grant me, to have both of you in my live. I just know both of you for a year but it feels like forever. You two are part of me, an important chapter of my live.

Ross, the loyal one, I will miss you so badly.
Nadiah, the strong-will, thank you for so many things.

Syiera,
your overly-attached angel.

xoxo

Explanation

The more I think of it, the more I feel it burdening every nerves, shooting my heart

Well, I think I deserve an explanation

Right up to my face, not through the phone, just as you did

I dont know why, it is almost a year, but I'm living in denial ever since

Yes, I think I deserve a well respected good explanation from your mouth

The truth, no concealment
If there is a chance you reading this

Bear in mind, you owe me an awful lot of explanation

Oh well, yes my Facebook status share is meant for you.

SPM Result

Tomorrow, SPM result for batch 2013 will come out and my sister is one of the candidates. She start worrying like weeks ago about her SPM result but deep in my heart I believe she will get straight A's. Nothing surprising to me, her brain is her gems. Thus when she channeling her worries to me that she might let down our parents is she do not get straight A's, I gave her some advice that I wish I could tell myself 4 year ago, that your parents will still love you no matter what you get, no matter how much A's you get.


Yes, 4 years ago, I do make my parents sad, I break their hearts, not because I did not get straight A's as being expected from me, but because I am too consumed with my 'heart-wrenching' moment and I push everybody else out from my bubble. Yes, even my parents. I weep and weep over my damn SPM results, I keep dreaming about that B for chemistry that I get, I ran away from home, I ran away from my parents. I feel useless as I think I let them down after all the love they shower me. That is how shallow am I last 4 years, if i could travel back to that time, I will tell all this to the green me back then. Because of that B, I lost myself, how stupid I am.

SPM results is nothing, again it is nothing. You want to be a doctor but your result is not good enough, bring your ass to private uni, work hard, apply for PTPTN, first class then you can turn it into scholarship. Nothing is impossible, SPM results is maybe just a ticket. If you work hard enough, you might still get scholarship during your studies in university. Maybe for few semesters you have to pay for yourself, but after that if your result is good, there are tons of scholarship waiting.

Now, I am in my final semester of my third year, going to final year in few weeks time, taking accounting, having fun while studying, with programs, clubs, societies etc Believe me, no one ever ask me what did I get for my SPM, no one. So worry not dear sisters and brothers, just keep calm, whatever comes tomorrow, embrace it, and believe Allah has plan it for you well enough as He is the best planner ;)

Dream Job (now no longer)

People always asked me at campus, "do you really want to practice after you graduate?" and my answer is always "No, not sure, see how first". And come to the day i have my internship, next time people ask me, I will definitely say NO. A big NO, a scary hell big NO.

Its funny when I used to think that I want this professional degree, to practice as an auditor and become a partner. Then, today, on my 3rd day of internship I started asking myself is this what I really want to do. Is this what I want to spend my life with? Is this what I gonna look forward every time I wake up in the morning? Miserable me, yes I am now. I just realised this thing is never meant for me. Call me early judger, I don't care. I just feel it doesn't suit me in any way possible.

I better off become a newscaster or whatnot and married a Sultan (ok, its a joke)

Till then, lets see if I survive another 6 months as an auditor.

Gadis-Gadis Emas 5

I dreamt of all of you last night. In a beautiful dream where we celebrate our birthday, together. Such a perfect celebration with smile and laughter echoing all around. I dont know what thats mean, but I think in the deepest pit of my heart, I do miss my housemates. All of you.

Here, in this long abandoned blog, I want to apologize for all of my mistakes that I did for all the years we live together. I also want you all to know that, I forgave all of you, every single one of you. Our action may speak differently, but truly in my heart, I let go. Because there are so much things to smile for when I look back, all those frown and sadness, I let it go. Thanks for all those wonderful years together.

Syiera Rosli